An Evening with Tom Christofferson

Someone asked for a report of the Calgary Fireside with Tom Christofferson.  Before I do that, I want to say to those who are in Lethbridge, if you have the chance to listen to Tom when he speaks there in a few days, please do so.  Bring your friends, your relatives and your neighbours.  Bring the copy of his book if you have it, and have him autograph it.  Bring you kids, your grandchildren and perhaps a pad of paper for you may want to make your own notes.  Just a another idea, index cards were passed out along the rows as the meeting was starting so that people could write their questions and then he would answer them at the end of the evening.  So be sure to have a pen with you.

And now welcome to my way of reporting which will be so random about the evening that I will lose a few of you.

I went early, at least earlier than I go when I go to church.  

I did have the intention of seeing friends before and after the meeting.  

I saw no one I knew in the foyer or as I entered the chapel.  I sat by a woman I did not know, so I introduced myself.  

It turned out I was sitting by Jennifer and Caitlan Logan who live just outside of the city limits and are in the Cochrane Ward.  

Jennifer told me that her maiden name was Card so I was soon to make the connection that Caitlan was Mike Card’s cousin, and Mike Card is best friends with my son, Richard.   

I liked the chatter between the three of us, it seemed so very Mormon, positioning ourselves by ward, then by families and then by work experience and interests.  

For sure all of us like to read.  Only one of us is passionate about Ultimate Frisbee.

I asked Jennifer if she knew many people there for I knew hardly anyone.  I saw Tony Thomas and Susan Truba on the last pew in the chapel as I walked in.  Jennifer said she only knew Gerald Walton whom she grew up with in the Calgary Second Ward.  So between the three of us, we didn’t know many in the congregation which was into the overflow by the time the meeting started.

David Litchfield chaired the meeting.  He is the Stake President of the Calgary Stake.  His introductory remarks included the fact that he and his wife Sherri had attended General Conference in Salt Lake.  While he was at other events she likes to go to the bookstore and while there had purchased a copy of That We May Be One.  She pulled that book out of the bag as they began the drive home.  She read it  to him until the Canadian border and by then they were close to the final chapters.  At the border he got a call from Bonnie White.  She organizes events and brings Mormon speakers to Calgary.  I have never gone to any of those events.  Bonnie White wondered if David Litchfield could sponsor a fireside with Tom Christofferson.  David Litchfield says that he thought of Elder Ronald A. Rasband who tells us there are few coincidences in life.  So Bonnie’s call and their reading of Christofferson’s book seemed to be in sync. Thus the Calgary Stake was sponsoring the building and Tom Christofferson paid his own way to come to Canada. 

David Litchfield also gave a few details introducing the speaker who is a retired investment manager in the U.S. and in Europe and a founding member of Encircle.

A musical number and then the Tom took the podium.  He began by saying that when he speaks and people are on folding chairs, he thinks that perhaps they have come to see his brother Todd speak and not to hear him. 

I didn’t pick  up my pen to write anymore.  Remember, I have watched him interviewed for 3 hours on Mormon Stories, so I was enjoying his personality and his carefully chosen words.  So loving and respectful to his audience.  Polished.  Dignified.  Concerned.  Every word carefully chosen.  When speaking of gay members in a family constellation he said that the lesson for them to learn is that nothing will take you out of the circle of our love.

I picked up my pen later to write “All are needed and wanted”.

Later he said of his own  journey that he finally came to ask the question, What lack I yet.

Tom gave personal stories about his partner, he told how they dissolved their relationship of 17 years, he told how he felt the need to be re-baptised and join the members of his family.  If you go to listen to him on the podcast Mormon Stories, all of this will be fleshed out with beauty and grace, much more than I can write.

The formal lecture/talk/sermon ended.

Then the questions were gathered from up and down the rows.  The index cards had been handed out sparingly.  Only 2 to our row which now held 5 people.  Of course I took one, for I had my own question after listening to the podcast.

Now I didn’t have my computer there, and so I had to handwrite the questions and the answers.  Please don’t hold me strictly to what you will read now.  This is the best I could capture:

Question 1: The Family Proclamation says homosexuality is an abomination.  What do you have to say to that?

Answer: Right now the church believes that marriage is between a man and a woman.  But the rest of us can’t tell who is right and who is wrong.  We have what we have.  (The Stake President got up later and said that strictly the Family Proclamation does not use the word abomination.)

Question 2:  How do you deal with the loneliness of not having a partner?

Answer: I need to tell you 2 stories to answer that question.  The first is that the physical side of my relationship with my partner had finished for about 6 months.  The second is that I went to the bishop to say that I thought I could be re-baptised and the Bishop of my ward asked to speak to my partner about this in the church building.  The Bishop told my partner, “We will tell you why baptism feels right for Tom.  The question is, does it feel right for you to have him do this.”  The partner did not agree that it was and the bishops said, “You and your partner should both feel good about this before you are re-baptized.  Tom went on to say, I wanted my partner to feel what I felt.  Now I could see that what I should want is for him to find his own happiness.  And my partner wanted me to find my own happiness in return.  We separated.  Later I learned he was dating someone and would be moving to Atlanta.  I still wanted my best friend in my life.  But I should be grateful that my partner had found happiness.  How to deal with the loneliness?  I think I am doing it by progressing in discipleship.

Question 3:  How can I explain the policy of the church to others?  How can I help my gay children to navigate their lives?

Answer: I never felt my parent’s love for me was a tactic to get me back to the church.  The approach is we love those around us because they are trying to be the best they can be.  The L.D.S. form of marriage is not what the government offers.  We are taught that the highest form of marriage is between a man and a woman.  But we can be genuine about loving others around us.  Parents should never close a door.

Question 4: Please discuss the gender types found in the Family Proclamation.

Answer: I don’t have an answer.  From science it would seem that during the gestational period these things are set, just like left-handness or having red hair.  Perhaps there is an eternal intelligence that is gay.  I am sure that we were part of a Heavenly Family, all of us brothers and sisters.  Now we are here on earth and there are parents and grandparents, but still in the pre-existence we were all brothers and sisters, and still are.

A small interjection here.  One of the questions above also included the sentence, You are the Christofferson that I came to hear.  That made the audience laugh and Tom Christofferson said he was going to show that card to his brother.

Question 5: I have been listening to your podcasts.  I understand you are looking for ways to be close to the Saviour.  Does a person have to be baptized to go on that journey?  Can a non-member find the same happiness while searching for the Saviour?

Answer:  I am sorry you had to listen to the podcast.  I was somewhat relaxed (I can’t remember the exact word he used) in that interview.  I don’t think we have to be members of the church to find the Saviour.  There are many good people in the world who do a good job of that.  What I would like to do is invite everyone to feel the love of the Saviour.

Question 6:  I deal with suicidal thoughts.  I am the piece that doesn’t fit.

Answer: I hope you know as you sit on the pew tonight that you are loved.  Reach out to a hotline in this critical time.  Know that on Thursday the apostles and the president of the church have names on the altar and they pray for every member of the church.  Whatever the journey may be for you, there are those who want to embrace you.  I hope they will find you and  you will find them.

The meeting closed with a few more remarks from David Litchfield, a prayer and then the audience dispersed.

I stayed seated on my pew, mostly watching people in clusters talking to each other.  I didn’t have a reason to hurry home, other than to type up these notes and I kept watching faces, seeing people walk out of the meeting in twos and threes.  I saw one young woman with small buttons (the kind that have a simple motto on them) on the strap of her bag, both on the front and the back.   There was no room left for strap.  All buttons. I looked at an older woman with a beautiful soft black leather jacket, a flowing skirt and who walked with confidence up a few pews ahead of me to greet someone she knew.   The kind of woman who looks like everything has gone right for her.  In reality I know this is not true of anyone. I watched Tom Christofferson come off of the stand.  Either David Litchfield is very short or Christofferson is very tall, for the distance between the two of them was surprising in its length.  I listened to the organ –I didn’t catch the name of the woman who played it, but I knew that there were hours of practise behind every note.  Isn’t the general rule, 40 hours of practise behind every minute of performance.  I hoped that they never take that organ and sell it, as they did in one chapel in Ontario/Quebec.  Someone approached me and I had to ask that the couple refresh my memory as to whom they were.  We sat for a long time and chatted, so long that the man who was closing up the building come by to alert us that there weren’t many people left in the building and that he would be closing up.

On the way out I saw Tony and Sessa Stephens leaving the building.

That is it for the evening.  I was left with an overwhelming love toward the parents of the Christoffersons.  Tom told stories about their parenting from which I feel I could take a lesson, though my children are grown and my parenting days are over.  I think he tells these stories in his book, though I haven’t read it.  I did hear some of the experiences on the podcast about their journey when they knew that they have a gay son.  It was his mother who gathered the family together after the grandchildren were in bed at a family vacation and who said to all, our family can be loyal to each other.  She may have also said something about how the family loves and accepts Tom  ….  is a paramount part of that loyalty, although I can’t remember the exact words.

Thus endeth my report.

Arta