I just want to smell your food. Let me smell that food.
I was given a plum by a co worker. For three days I left it on my desk. It smelt so good. It smelt better than I could imagine it tasting. I was reminded about being asked if I can let someone smell my food. It's only weird until suddenly you're doing it.
I did eat it, and I was absolutely right. It was better to smell.
While driving to get permission to hunt on some of the land owners property, we got to see a few nice white bucks, and then a herd of mulie doe.
In an interaction that I was having, I had a debate with someone about abortion. I'm not exactly sure how to express the story. I've shared it with M&M but I think my body is still coursing with adrenaline. I am fight or flight as of 10am today and even now at 6pm when I type this entry. A long story cut short, I have never ended a conversation with "this is how I feel, I don't know where you are on this but I will not move one inch. Never. Ever. NEVER!!! The end". So much yelling. Quite an experience.
I stopped at a garage sale of course. There were lots of things to see, not much to buy. I bought 3 books. The hobbit, The lion the witch, the wardrobe, and Gulliver's travels. $2. Not bad for 3,000 pages that my children will probably read. I also grabbed the huge box of VHS tapes. They were labelled free. Even the "bible" vhs videos I took home. We might watch them. Or at least have them available for if a kid wants to see one. Who knows.
Next, I took my three little kiddies to "Calgary Opera" - The Brothers Grimm. It was a free showing of a taped/recorded production done by the local opera company. The showing was done in a historical church downtown. Free is a very easy way to get me excited about something.
Miranda had a huge headache sickness come on, so it wasn't all five us going to the show, but 4 out of 5 isn't. bad. The photos of the opera are in reverse chronological order. Sorry.
I had an experience while sitting in the dark at the Opera. Whether it was follow up trauma from the abortion conversation, or it was just a genuine experience because of the Opera, I don't know and I suppose it doesn't matter. But this is what was happening.
I loved: Betty's little voice ending lines with the tv show opera because of closed captioning. My little opera singer. Me letting her bother others around her as she softly opera sang with the show. Barely audible and singing along like an opera singer. I was too pleased to stop her.
I loved Alice laughing with me hahaha. She laughed jarringly back at me just after I'd done my jarring laugh while sitting and enjoying the show. The prince had offered Rapunzel a Starbucks coffee or some such nonsense of a joke.
I loved: that they offered free popcorn at the brothers Grimm opera... popcorn for all. As much as you can eat! Oh we love popcorn... Of course popcorn only makes me think of my mother.
I loved: Michael tipping his hat down as we walked back to the car to both be polite and to show that he'd hid his Opera Calgary bookmark in his hat that they'd given out at the show. It made me laugh warmly. I don't take enough pictures of him these days.
I loved: looking at 50 little children sitting on the floor at the opera, and I thought about what Arta cared about. How she would have been sitting beside us silently enjoying everything. How she'd not have talked as much as I do but how she'd have felt the exact same as I do. She'd have loved to bring as many little things to this art performance as she could. Which makes me think how wonderful it is and how thankful I am for the stories that Rebecca would tell with Duncan coming to Shakespeare and opera and other performances. How spectacular that is.
Then of course I started thinking about what Arta repeated over and over, which was that story of Doral Pilling holding his hand up high in the air and said LOOK, cancer hasn't beaten me. I can still lift my hand high in the air.
It's been a very vivid day for me.
Others tell me often about their pain over memories of Arta. But I don't relate to them. I don't let that happen because it's easier for me. I know that I could do the same. It's easier for me to move quickly and effectively through these days without that experience breaking my stride.
With the lights out, and children surrounding me and opera playing... I just leak and leak thinking about what pleased her, and what mattered to her, and what made her proud, and what she would do about problems and how she would treat others that mattered. I need to stop going to the opera.
But in all honestly they said that you can text to the number on the book mark to donate $10 to the Calgary Opera. I might go do that a dozen times. That's how I feel about the gift that they gave me today.
Maybe I'm thinking about her so much because of the trauma of the huge abortion fight. I'm thinking to her because when I'm in such a delicate place I look for the safety of my mother.
On the drive to 2423 after the opera, both girls heard me say the word Louisiana while we were talking about mardis gras, and they both immediately broke out into song. I've never heard the song that they sang. The love and beauty of them singing, and the experience of them breaking into song that I did not teach them was a vivid life event. I was so proud. I just melt away loving them. A particular thing that they learned that I did not know and it was a vivid life experience for me. Maybe I'll not be the only thing that they learn from. Also, that random singing moment is probably what other people experience when I'm around. Why is Richard singing randomly for no reason. What a weirdo.
I asked my father in law if he knows the experience of people getting the hose and spraying your car while you leave. Of course it turns out that this is a shuswap / pillings / our small family experience. I was telling him this because on friday as I was leaving to work Betty ran out and tried to spray my car as I was leaving for work. She said that this is a way that we say we love you.
As my children were leaving to go to the grandparents house just now, I ran out and put the sprinkler spraying at them while they got into the car. It was a fun experience to see her giggling and trying to get into the car without getting sprayed.
I love you. I miss you.
Yesterday Michael heard a word, or read it somewhere. ineffable. My new rule is that the only book allowed on the dinner table is the dictionary. We looked it up.
Ineffable. "too great or extreme to be described in words". It's my new favorite word. This life is ineffable.
