I am sitting here in the morning, monday of sep 13 on the rocky outcropping of Arbutus Cove. I am vulnerable. I was protected by Wyona when I was failing engineering school. I moved to Ottawa and was mothered by a new world. It was far from my home. It was far from my friends and my environment. It was a time where many things were changing. Sometimes moving far away is a necessary change to help you grow as a person.
I'm sitting here in a new environment again, and re-learning how to be one step closer to an elder. The sun is shining on the water, I am holding my crying daughter, and we are reflecting on how hard it is every year. Something new to learn every year. Some challenge that is new and scary.
Miranda made an offering basket for a Cree elder and I will learn that even when you need help from an elder, the offering doesn't mean that they'll help you. I didn't give an offering basket to wyona twenty years ago. She helped me. What we see here is tobacco, a canned fruit or berry, three different colored cloths, and sweet grass. Miranda got me with this thoughtful gift that she is offering a local Cree Elder. From what I understand though, is that an offering isn't a gift for services rendered. It can be "not accepted". A thought that scares me. Someone can say no, even if you are asking for help and the need is critical.
But how do you prepare yourself for a possible no... Because I needed that help. If things had been different all that time ago, what would today look like.
Alice is crying for her pain on her hand. It hurt. I am crying because of fear. I love you all.
I'm reading your post and thinking about how it feels to be stuck, to know things need to change but to be afraid and resist. Sometimes I jump eagerly with two feet into change -- usually when it's trying something new. On those days I feel like Arta is beside me saying, "Why not? Let's do it." That's how I felt at arbutus bay with you, the first time i dove under the water and grabbed that big crab. I don't know what exactly it is that I feel like I am resisting right now. I know I can't go back, but I feel like I can't go forward. I'll need to find my own rocky outcropping to sit on and think.
ReplyDeleteIt's dangerous and unfamiliar and I am vulnerable where I am open to change. Change is scary whether I am 5, 15, 25, or 41. It's nice to have being like you around me. Not to protect me but just so that I know I can find safety if I need it.
DeleteAlso, love berries look amazing. Your kids' faces are amazing. Those tiny crabs look almost like spiders with their stiped legs. I zoomed in as much as I could to try to figure out if they were hermit crabs. Loved Miranda on the stairs and her thoughtful basket. Loved every photo of that beautiful spot and you beautiful people.
ReplyDelete... I have not erased the handwriting on the whiteboard. :-) It was so fun having little people in the house! (and watching "The Floor is Lava" with them)
ReplyDelete